http://thebaumer.com/

Dear Job People, I would like you to feed me a job because I am hungry for a sense of being...

Mon, 20 Feb 2012 21:20:51 -0500

Dear Job People,

I would like you to feed me a job because I am hungry for a sense of being productive. Sometimes I get carried away and eat all my roommates food because he does not like eating his own food. I am not exactly sure what your company does. I like all the twinkles on your website. I have looked at every twinkle. I would like to add to your twinkles. For the last twenty-eight years I have been creating nothing but twinkles. Please pay me to be your twinkler. If you do not have a need for a twinkle machine then maybe you have a need for someone to water your lawn. If you don’t have a lawn then maybe you would like to buy a pallet of sod from me and my friends. We install office sod in urban locations. No one has quite done what we have done because we haven’t even done it yet. You should be our first customer. If I had my own business it would be called “the laundry mat,” but there would be only one washing machine. Between the hours of six a.m. and ten a.m. we would sell smoothies that were blended in a converted industrial dryer that would be capable of mixing large quantities of health beverages. From ten a.m to eleven a.m. the business would focus on haircuts. From eleven a.m. to two p.m. I would make eleven dozen pizzas and sell them to the lunch crowd. From two p.m. to midnight the business would be converted into a television studio to broadcast a live talk show called “the laundry man.” All urban lawns and sod work would be done on the weekends. I hope you are interested in my business proposal. Either invest in me or give me a job at your company.

The end.

Mark

Dear Yachting Magazine, I wrote a book called “Yachts.” It is a coming-of-age treatise on the glut...

Mon, 20 Feb 2012 20:33:17 -0500

Dear Yachting Magazine,

I wrote a book called “Yachts.” It is a coming-of-age treatise on the glut of wealth that underprivileged children in America set out to find between the ages of six and whatever age they reach at the time of their father’s death. I think my research for this book makes me more than qualified to be your Editor-in-Chief. The book is still looking for a publisher. In the meantime I am working at a factory where I build inhalers. I am also in the process of learning how to make the leap from my parents’ working class background to something with more comfort and luxury. I am confident that Yachting Magazine is the best place for me to reach my full potential.

The end.

Love and skittles,

Mark Baumer

As a citizen of the United States I do not feel threatened by Iran or by nuclear weapons in general....

Sat, 18 Feb 2012 20:28:57 -0500

As a citizen of the United States I do not feel threatened by Iran or by nuclear weapons in general. I think the United States Corporation of War should leave Iran and their nuclear weapons alone. It seems okay that Iran is developing nuclear weapons. Do not believe your television’s mouth when its spit bubbles call Iran a major threat to American national security. I feel like Kanye and Ron Paul should make an anti-war rap song. Sometimes the two of them feel like the same person. Or maybe Nicolas Cage could light his own head on fire, get in a car, and yell until entire world’s population of nuclear uranium is depleted.

"I do not remember where or when I learned that our grocery stores have only a three-day supply of..."

Mon, 13 Feb 2012 05:55:00 -0500

““I do not remember where or when I learned that our grocery stores have only a three-day supply of food on hand or that the United States has become a net-importer of food. I do know there are lots of books, web sites, blogs, and Tee Vee shows about “survival” and I don’t have any plans to add to such apocalyptic noise in our little corner of the internet. I just think it’s cool to shake the hand of the farmer who raised the cow which made the milk I’m having for breakfast. I also think it’s an amazing thing to plant a tiny little seed in the ground and watch it grow into a spreading cucumber plant which flowers and then finally produces a bunch of cucumbers. Depending on the type of seed planted, I might be able to save one of the hundreds of seeds in just a single cucumber and then plant that one tiny seed to start the cycle all over again.””

- My aunt, Victor, the gardener

Today, I officially became a first class internet failure. The kickstarter I started didn’t...

Sun, 12 Feb 2012 21:12:00 -0500

Today, I officially became a first class internet failure. The kickstarter I started didn’t even reach four percent of its goal. I am going to start another kickstarter soon and ask for 9.5 million dollars to print four million copies of my first book.

My brain is starting to hurt at the idea that in less than thirty-eight hours I will not...

Fri, 10 Feb 2012 23:43:15 -0500

My brain is starting to hurt at the idea that in less than thirty-eight hours I will not possess $50,000. I was really excited to write forty-nine books on some old crusty napkins and then use the rest of the money to buy a limousine.

I met my new roommates on craigslist. One of them smokes thirty-five cigarettes a day. Another is...

Fri, 10 Feb 2012 23:33:00 -0500

I met my new roommates on craigslist. One of them smokes thirty-five cigarettes a day. Another is blind and never leaves his room. The third takes a bath every night and gave me fifteen plastic hangers. I live in a ten-foot square cube. Last night, I asked them for $50,000 and they gave me a piece of wood they acquired through the “free” section on craigslist.

edit: One of my roommates just gave me a computer chair because he felt sorry for not being able to give me $50,000.

Last week, I was homeless for five days. I slept on a couch at a multicultural center, on the floor...

Fri, 10 Feb 2012 23:26:06 -0500

Last week, I was homeless for five days. I slept on a couch at a multicultural center, on the floor of a college classroom, in an abandoned studio, on the floor of banquet hall, and on a chair inside a large office building that was open twenty-four hours. If I had $50,000 I would continue being homeless and just write books.

My life has become sort of hopeless. I work in a medical facility making brain inhalers. Monday...

Fri, 10 Feb 2012 23:18:43 -0500

My life has become sort of hopeless. I work in a medical facility making brain inhalers. Monday through Saturday I wake up at 5:30am and work until 5:30pm. Today, I pulled a lever over three-thousand times. I made six inhalers. My boss’s boss has a mustache. All my coworkers eat cold chicken nuggets for breakfast. I have given up on the american dream. Someone told me recently that long work days lead to depression. I have not seen the sun in a week. The american dream is a pony that grew up to be soggy tattoo sewn on the chest of a bloated assistant manager at Wendys. If you know one-hundred people with $500 then please tell them to cough on me.

I am not as good at social media as I thought I was. I am also really bad at job interviews. The...

Fri, 10 Feb 2012 23:09:04 -0500

I am not as good at social media as I thought I was. I am also really bad at job interviews. The only thing I am going at in the entire world is writing fifty books in a year.

I have less than thirty-eight hours to raise ~$50,000. I think everyone in the world who...

Fri, 10 Feb 2012 23:05:51 -0500

I have less than thirty-eight hours to raise ~$50,000. I think everyone in the world who doesn’t know me should give me $5.

I have six days to raise an impossible amount of money

Mon, 06 Feb 2012 05:40:07 -0500

I need $48,005. Everyone on tumblr should probably reblog this. If you have five dollars in your bank account then you should reblog this. I only need 9601 people to give me five dollars. Does anyone know 9601 people? If you have over 9601 followers or friends on facebook then you should reblog this. If you are a mother of a misunderstood teenager and you have one follower and you’re only on tumblr to secretly read your child’s internet presence then you should reblog this. There are over 300 billion people in the United States. If 0.003 percent of the United States population contributed five dollars then I would reach my goal. If you contribute to my project then your status as an American will become more valuable. There are three social plateaus in America: the 1%, the 99%, and the 0.003%. Unfortunately, the 0.003% does not exist. I think the 0.003% is trying to replace middle class America. I am not sure what happened to the middle class. The non-existence of a moon colony probably killed the entire middle class in America. Someone with a background in social media should send a fax application to twitter and ask them if they can add the words “0.003%” to their homepage.

A lot of people on the internet seem to be doubting my ability...

Wed, 25 Jan 2012 20:33:00 -0500

A lot of people on the internet seem to be doubting my ability to write fifty books. I’m not sure why. I think people keep forgetting that we live in the digital age.

It seems people think my mother was unwed when I was born and that I should be thrown down a flight...

Wed, 25 Jan 2012 20:15:23 -0500

It seems people think my mother was unwed when I was born and that I should be thrown down a flight of stairs.

Six years ago I was the twelve-year-old ping pong champion for...

Sun, 22 Jan 2012 18:23:47 -0500

Six years ago I was the twelve-year-old ping pong champion for all of north america, but after three hours of heavy drug abuse on my thirteenth birthday I was forced to retire from doing anything athletic ever again.

Sometimes my body is tired of its head and wishes it could sell...

Fri, 20 Jan 2012 13:26:24 -0500

Sometimes my body is tired of its head and wishes it could sell the head for $50,000.

Monkfish Jowls: In 2010 Mark Baumer walked across the entire United States (from...

Fri, 20 Jan 2012 13:24:32 -0500

Monkfish Jowls: In 2010 Mark Baumer walked across the entire United States (from...:

Anthony Luebbert posted an excerpt from one of the fifty books on his blog. If you want to post an excerpt on your blog you can email me at: thepresidentofmcdonalds@gmail.com or everydayyeah[at]g m a i l [dot]com

monkfishjowls:

In 2010 Mark Baumer walked across the entire United States (from Georgia to California) which he documented on his tumblr, The Baumer. This year he’s writing 50 novels. On Sunday he asked Tom Hanks for $50,000 dollars to cover costs for that project. Tom Hanks declined. So now he’s asking…

These are some facebook messages I sent to real people who live on planet earth

Tue, 17 Jan 2012 19:10:44 -0500

I haven’t talked to you in maybe fifteen years. I think the last time I saw you I waved and said, “Hey,” and you said, “Oh hi Mark.” Anyway, I want to share a financial tip with you. I need $50,000.

We played tennis once and then another time we were supposed to play tennis, but I cancelled late which was not appropriate tennis conduct. We never played tennis with each other again.

I don’t know if you remember, but we both live on planet earth. If I don’t raise $50,000 then a bad man is going to hurt all my childhood memories.

We never went to the same high school, but I think I remember seeing you yawn once. Can I have $50,000?

I think I saw you lying in a park near a pigeon. Maybe that wasn’t you.

I am stranded on the moon and I need $50,000 to get home for my dad’s birthday.

Its been probably twenty-five years since we played grand theft auto in your room when we were in high school.

I don’t know if you remember, but we once worked at the same pizza hut or something. Anyway, I was eating a piece of ricotta cheese today and thought you might be willing to give me $50,000?

You taught me how to slice bread. I need your help again.

Last night I went to a fundraiser for organic white table cloths. Tom Hanks was there. I asked him...

Mon, 16 Jan 2012 16:32:24 -0500

Last night I went to a fundraiser for organic white table cloths. Tom Hanks was there. I asked him if he wanted to give me $50,000. He laughed and said, “I’m writing fifty books this year too. They’re all going to be titled gilbert.”

I would like some people to give me $50,000

Sat, 14 Jan 2012 16:34:04 -0500

I started a kickstarter. I am now emotionally incapable of feeling good about myself. When you start a kickstarter and ask for large sums of money, a small piece of some of your redeeming qualities begin to wilt and die.

I am asking for $50,000 because I want to write fifty books in one year, but if I raise $50,000 then I will probably take all the money and eat it. I am very interested in the idea of putting fifty thousand one-dollar bills in my mouth. After I have $50,000 in my mouth I will probably write fifty books about what it feels like to have large sums of money wedged into your face.

If you have 50,000 friends then you should teach them all how to put a dollar in my mouth. If you have only 10,000 friends then we can arrange a time for your friends to each put five dollars in my mouth.

Sometimes people don’t like to put money in other people. I should clarify. I tend to only speak in metaphors. For those who don’t understand the language of metaphors, let me explain. When I say, “I want people to put $50,000 in my mouth,” I actually mean that I want my bank account to feel less lonely. For those who are not familiar with my life, a few seconds ago I renamed my mouth. It is now called, “my bank account.”

I also made a website called fiftynovels.com. If I don’t raise $50,000 then I will sell the fifty books I write this year at fiftynovels.com. Okay, I’m going to go stand in the street and yell until people fill my mouth with money.