John C. Reilly is an American actor who is famous for driving his red Ferrari into the front of a Taco Bell restaurant at two a.m. on Christmas Eve 1973. According to his birth certificate he was only eight years old. When authorities asked him where he found the red Ferrari he said, “I pooped it after I ate nine billion hot dogs.” Ten years later, it was 1983 and for halloween John C. Reilly dressed up as Ronald Reagan and stole another red Ferrari. He then drove to Keanu Reeves’s house and asked for a candy bar. Keanu Reeves gave him a half-eaten Hershey bar smeared with peanut butter. John C. Reilly stuck it to the forehead of the plastic Ronald Reagan mask he was wearing and then drove the red Ferrari into the front of the Taco Bell restaurant. When authorities asked him why he kept driving red Ferrari’s into the front of Taco Bell restaurants John C. Reilly said, “I like taco sauce.”

Last year, I learned that I am the love product of John C. Reilly and John C. Reilly. John C. Reilly is both my mother and my father. When John C. Reilly was in the movie superchrist of the last temptation of babies on toast I was the sole product of his acting experience. Years later, I forgot the first three hundred years of my life and John C. Reilly gave up on the idea of ever being remembered as the greatest actor of all time. Our family has struggled ever since. It seems John C. Reilly will never convince the general public that he has been in every movie that has ever been made even though this is true thanks to his work as the stunt double for Tom Cruise, Will Smith, Nicolas Cage, and Meryl Streep. Likewise, I have given up on the hope that I will ever be recognized by a court of law as John C. Reilly’s child in real flesh. In terms of a uterus and the male organ neither were present in my birth, but people are born every day in parts of the world where the uterus and male organ doesn’t exist so I am very confused as to why my birth from non-reproductive organs will not be recognized. Sometimes when people don’t understand how I was born I show them a clip from a John C. Reilly movie and then afterwards ask them what they felt. When they describe their feelings of watching John C. Reilly on screen I tell them that I was born from every possible feeling one can experience while viewing John C. Reilly’s face on a two-dimensional screen.

For those who have never heard of John C. Reilly, let me give you a brief history of the man who is both my mother and father. His first role was as the lead actor, director, writer, and composer of the first movie ever made called superchrist of the last temptation of babies on toast. The movie is about a six-year-old mill worker named Bruce who falls in love with the mill owner’s daughter named Harriet even though she is only three years old. John C. Reilly played the part of Bruce even though he was almost twenty when filming began. In the last scene of the movie John C. Reilly’s character kills the mill owner named Theodore Smoke (also played by John C. Reilly). No one has ever heard of this movie because it was made three hundred thousand years before the technology of film projection was invented. The few who did see the movie were sort of disgusted by the idea of a six year old boy falling in love with a three year old girl. In an interview, that drew a lot of attention at the time, but has since disappeared, John C. Reilly is quoted as saying, “The cool thing about pedophilia is that between the ages of zero and seven a person cannot technically commit pedophilia.”

This other time, in 1999, when John C. Reilly turned thirty-four I bought him a birthday cake. When I gave it to him he said, “What’s this?” I told him it was a birthday cake. He said, “No one has ever given me a birthday cake before.” I asked him if he wanted ice cream. John C. Reilly said, “What’s ice cream?” I reached in my pocket and found a penny. I took it out and held it out for him to look at. I said, “This is ice cream.” John C. Reilly looked at the penny and then said, “Oh, right, ice cream. Nah, I don’t want any ice cream on my cake.”

John C. Reilly’s first recognized role in a Hollywood movie was a result of his decision to enlisted in the army and fly to Vietnam to help Michael J. Fox shoot machine guns in the jungle. The film opens with John C. Reilly’s voice narrating a shot of the morning sky in the jungles of ‘nam. He says, “A plane droned in the predawn sky. By lunch it felt like we had bombed half the earth.” This was always a special movie for John C. Reilly, as it was the one that allowed him to own his first red Ferrari and drive it through a Taco Bell restaurant at two a.m. In his wallet he still keeps a petal from the painted trillium he found on set the first day of filming.

Sometimes when I think about John C. Reilly I imagine conversations we have never had. In these conversations I will say things like, “Hey John C. Reilly, I am the love product of a film you didn’t even know you acted in, who are you?” John C. Reilly always responds by saying, “Hi son, I am your mother.” Another question I like to ask John C. Reilly when I have conversations with him in my head is, “Hey John C. Reilly, I am sweating right now because it is humid. Do you sweat when it is humid?” John C. Reilly smiles. I can see the frizzles at the end of his hair smiling and nodding at me.