Today, I went to Whole Foods and a thousand children were rubbing almond butter in their hair. I told the children to stop, but they told me to tug my poppy so I wrote a complaint to the manager at Whole Foods, but all he did was mail me a small goldfish a few days before Christmas. I began to question my desire to speak to anyone in a position of management, but then the president of a watermelon rind gave me a ginger lollipop so I felt better. A few hours later I noticed all the children with almond butter in their hair were looking at me with the sort of face a dog gives you right before he pees on the carpet after you’ve given him your last ginger poppy. A few hours later I was at a house full of damp carpet. The manager at Whole Foods told me he was going to start barbecuing some oatmeal. I asked him if he wanted to move to China and live in a canoe with two swine puppies. He said, “Sure,” and then threw a piece of raw gizzard at woman who just bought a medium-sized coffee and a blueberry muffin.