mark baumer

@markbaumer | every day yeah | reading list | culturally significant moments

I applied for a job at Melville House Publishing

I applied for this job. Here is my cover letter:

Dear Dennis,

I am the motherfucker. I am the job. I’ve got hands. People look up to me because I am taller and better than them. When I was two I peed my first manuscript. I am wearing a tie right now so my mouth feels there is no reason to be formal. Here is the honest reality of what I believe:

I am a human orchid.

If everyone else is a human being then I am evolutionary link to mankind’s desire to be the left eyebrow on god’s nipple. If I were a turtle I would be a whale and people would call me the greatest turtle that ever lived because no turtle has ever been a whale. Once I went to college. Then I did something else. Then I went to college again. Every college degree I have is visible in the form of every leg I embody. One day I plan to grow a third leg and become the president of every bastard child born from the womb of a fortune 500 company. I don’t believe in resumes because it seems pointless to say I have or will do everything that there ever was to do. I am thinking of a shape:

The shape is a blue watermelon. I win.

When I say, “I am the motherfucker,” I mean that there are a lot of shit stains in the world and I am the ass that fertilized them all. I believe that the book industry is dead because it has not paid me money to eat the popular trends when they die. There is too much of rot in world’s bookshelves. The solution is not to digitize this rot. The solution is to feed me this decomposition and let my human orchid blossom. Here is a story that depicts my abilities to be a successful piece of your business:

I once cut off my own right arm and gave it to my father. He planted it and it matured into the shape of the house I grew up in.

I know what the internet is. I am not interested in saving the internet. If you hire me then I will probably eat 1% of the internet each day until the internet is the size of a peanut. If you don’t own a circus elephant then I will be your circus elephant. The global economy is not something that worries me. If China is truly a place then I will one day build a sandcastle in America larger than a place called China. As I see it there are only two options:

I am both those options and the end result is that you will pay me money to sweat into a gas can that I will then empty into your business and this will make your business a more powerful vehicle.

To be completely straight forward, I would very much like to sit down with you and discuss this job opportunity. I have been looking for an excuse to buy a white tuxedo. I will buy a white tuxedo if you invite me to your business. If you don’t invite me to your business then I will probably still buy a white tuxedo.