A few days ago someone emailed me and asked me what the brown mfa is like.  His name was Jason.  I’ve changed his name for confidentiality.  This was my reply:

Jason,

I am glad you contacted me.  If you are accepted be prepared to get beat up.  My first night here someone punched me in the face for no reason.  I was sleeping and it was dark.  I think it was Coover.  I haven’t seen Coover yet.  I think he waits until the lights are out and he runs around punching people.  I bet you’re cool.  I can’t wait until Coover beats you up.  Maybe you can pay me half your stipend if you get in.  We’ll call it your ‘tutelage years.’  I am a very good investment.  About 4.5% of your money will be returned to you.   I’d like to write one of your recommendations.   I will probably say, “Jason should be admitted because I could use the extra money.”  The best way to spruce up your personal statement would be to put Miley Cyrus’s name in it.  I’d like to be honest for a second.  I’m not great at lovemaking.  I’m probably not even in the top 1 million love makers in the world which I guess is unfortunate for everyone else.  Overall my life is good even though I am essentially a child. Why are there so many numbers in your email address?  Is 346002 your favorite number?  Remember when you wanted to apply to brown and I sent you a car bomb?  How do you make a car bomb?  There is a 4.5% chance you get in if in your personal statement you say you want to get punched in the face by Coover.  There is a 12% chance you will get in if you try and write the worst personal statement ever.  I’m tired.  I haven’t answered any of your questions.  I am 4.5% confident that this will help.  I think you should change your email to jl4andahalfpercent@hotmail.com.