I potentially saw a famous writer outside of Tim Horton’s yesterday.  I think it might have been John Updike.  Maybe not.  He was playing a guitar.  He did not appreciate me taking his picture.  He looked at me and said, “I’m John Updike.  Pay me.”  I wanted to go up to him and ask what he was doing in Providence, but I didn’t.  He seemed pissed.  He had this look about him that said, “Fuck the man.  I’m John Updike.”  The fact that he was drinking a Dunkin Donuts ice coffee outside a Tim Horton’s confirms the fact that he was in full “John-Updike-Fuck-the-World” mode.

An hour later I was in a library.  I was trying to write a novel about Angus Burgers.  A potentially famous writer got out of the elevator.  He was dragging a girl with him.  I thought, “Are you Junot Diaz?”  It seemed like Junot Diaz’s girlfriend was in town visiting him and Junot Diaz’s roommate wouldn’t leave them alone in the dorm room so they could have sex.  Eventually, Junot Diaz probably got fed up with his roommate and told his girlfriend, “Let’s go to the library and have sex.”  When they stepped off the elevator they clearly were disappointed I was there.  Junot Diaz walked by me and laughed when he saw I was writing a novel.  He thought, “MFA students are pathetic.”  His girlfriend said, “Junot, don’t you have an MFA?”  He said, “Please, Cornell begged me to take their shit.  I didn’t even step foot on campus.  Pretty sure it’s not a real place.  They sent me some diploma in the mail.”  After Junot and his girlfriend got back on the elevator I emailed him and asked if he would write a blurb for my book.

Dear Junot Diaz, How’s it going?  I think I saw you yesterday at the science library.  You and your girlfriend came up to the twelfth floor where I was studying.  I’m pretty sure you guys were looking for a place to ‘phuck’.  Did you find a spot?  Anyway, I know you kind of guffawed when you saw I was writing a novel called ‘Angus Burgers,’ but I was hoping you’d be willing to write a blurb for the novel when it’s finished.    Do you have any suggestions on how I should start this novel?  I heard you once wrote a novel about fast food.  Maybe you didn’t.  I was just throwing that out there hoping maybe you had.  Last night, I went to McDonalds and they sold me an ice cream.  I didn’t dare try the Angus Burger.  It was late.  Maybe they will give me an Angus Burger if I tell them you are blurbing my novel.  I would like to sit down with you at some point and discuss this project.  Maybe once McDonalds sends me an Angus Burger pass we can eat one together and you can give me some guidance.  Anyway, best of luck working out your roommate situation.  It can be tough sharing a room when you have a girlfriend, but at the very least you’ll probably end up having sex in a lot of interesting places.”

I haven’t heard back from him yet.