I found out some valuable MFA knowledge today. It’s very simple. I should take all my MFA stipend money and buy Walgreens stock. Walgreens is better than CVS. At around one o’clock I took the bus to Walgreens and bought a ten-dollar-four-cup coffee. I was very pleased with this purchase. I drank a cup of coffee. It is now one in the morning. I am still awake. Walgreens feels so good to me right now. I am being completely serious when I say CVS is a piece of shit compared to Walgreens. If every MFA student in the world bought Walgreens stock I would be rich. Walgreens would make me president. Logic says I will never be president of Walgreens, but logic also says, “CVS has down syndrome.” Instead of pointing out all of CVS’s examples of mental retardation I offer three concrete facts why Walgreens is number one.
1. The shelves at Walgreens are taller which means there are more products and more variety at Walgreens. I went to three different CVS stores to get a pitcher to make iced tea and they didn’t have anything but red plastic Solo cups.
2. I bought tape and envelopes at Walgreens today. I’m pretty sure I’ve never bought tape and envelopes at CVS. Two days ago I thought about buying some tape at CVS and looked at the options, but the price tag said, “Six dollars.” At Walgreens I found two-dollar tape. You can support a family with two dollar bills at Walgreens. CVS will make you poor and fat. Whenever I go into CVS there is nothing to eat but candy bars. I bought eggs at Walgreens.
3. Walgreens has Skippy’s Natural Peanut Butter which I was going to buy, but I didn’t because I set it on the shelf when I took down one of the coffee makers and forgot to pick it back up. Walgreens destroys CVS when it comes to peanut butter. CVS has maybe half an option for peanut butter. I think all I saw at CVS was the jar that is both jelly and peanut butter. Who wants to eat that? Walgreens has six options including Skippy’s Natural Peanut Butter. I think every MFA student in America should eat Skippy’s Natural Peanut Butter from Walgreens if they’re going to eat any peanut butter at all.
Also, after arriving home I remembered another valuable fact about Walgreens, my father used to own stock in the company. I’m not sure if he still does. I would call him, but it’s late. Instead, I’ll write him a letter.
Dear Dad,
I believe you once owned Walgreens stock. Do you still own it? If you do, give it to me. You will probably die before me. I also appreciate Walgreens more than you. I bet you’ve shopped at CVS in the last twenty minutes. Why are you up in the middle of the night shopping at CVS? Get to sleep. My convenience store experiences over the last seven years have been less than spectacular. I probably haven’t been to Walgreens in seven years. I’m pretty sure you sold all the Walgreens stock. That’s kind of fucked up, but I can’t really judge. You’ve been a good dad in every other area. Raising kids is probably tough. If I had a kid he’d be dead already from some kind of bird disease. I just remembered I don’t own any stock in Walgreens. I want to punch some walls. I really wish I had ten-thousand shares of Walgreens stock sitting in an e-trade account right now. Is there a paypal option where people can give you shares of Walgreens stock? I would like this. Walgreens should start its own paypal service. I might start making weekly Walgreens blog posts. Maybe I’ll buy ten-thousand shares and then start the blog posts. Maybe Walgreens will give me a share of stock for every blog post I make. Dad, if you know any hipsters tell them to tell their friends to shop at Walgreens. And no, my cousin Joann is not a hipster. Anyway, my hope is that Brown will give me all my stipend money tomorrow so I can put the money into Walgreens stock. I think I’m going to go talk Brian Evenson and ask him if there’s any way I can get $15,000. What do you think?
Love,
Mark
On the bus ride home from Walgreens a pregnant girl sat down across from me. She sat down next to a guy on the phone. The guy on the phone looked twice at her and then said, ‘Yo April, it’s been a second. Look at you. All large and shit.’
