Dear Job People,

I am one of the five greatest cover letter writers of my generation as evidenced by a tweet I made that said, “I am one of the five greatest cover letter writers of my generation.” Also, I am working on a book called, “How to get a job when you are incapable of talking like a normal person even though you are organized and your grandfathers gave you a strong work ethic.” There has been some talk about making this forthcoming title into a movie that will focus on my ability to triumph over everyone who said, “Bad economies don’t give jobs to people like you,” and, “You’ll never eat again if you keep writing these insane cover letters,” and, “America no longer believes in taking chances on people who are twenty-eight and who might be autistic.” In the trailer for this movie based on a book that hasn’t been written yet, the character playing me will be sitting with his back to the camera as a narrator says, “His whole life he’s only been interested in one thing. All he’s ever talked about, all he’s ever been capable of thinking about is writing cover letters.” It will then cut to my character sitting at a desk, at the edge of the world, intensely writing a cover letter to the President of the United States as a bunch of submarines climb out of the ocean and try to blow up an army of spaceships that have recently arrived from another planet. My father’s voice will grow from these ocean explosions and say, “Your cover letters aren’t capable of saving the world.” My character will only be able to shrug as he looks the father actor in the face and says, “Maybe, but writing cover letters is all I know how to do.” Then someone will try to punch me in the face, but I’ll write a cover letter on their palm before they are able to connect with my face.

The end.