I started a kickstarter. I am now emotionally incapable of feeling good about myself. When you start a kickstarter and ask for large sums of money, a small piece of some of your redeeming qualities begin to wilt and die.

I am asking for $50,000 because I want to write fifty books in one year, but if I raise $50,000 then I will probably take all the money and eat it. I am very interested in the idea of putting fifty thousand one-dollar bills in my mouth. After I have $50,000 in my mouth I will probably write fifty books about what it feels like to have large sums of money wedged into your face.

If you have 50,000 friends then you should teach them all how to put a dollar in my mouth. If you have only 10,000 friends then we can arrange a time for your friends to each put five dollars in my mouth.

Sometimes people don’t like to put money in other people. I should clarify. I tend to only speak in metaphors. For those who don’t understand the language of metaphors, let me explain. When I say, “I want people to put $50,000 in my mouth,” I actually mean that I want my bank account to feel less lonely. For those who are not familiar with my life, a few seconds ago I renamed my mouth. It is now called, “my bank account.”

I also made a website called fiftynovels.com. If I don’t raise $50,000 then I will sell the fifty books I write this year at fiftynovels.com. Okay, I’m going to go stand in the street and yell until people fill my mouth with money.