February 2012
15 posts
Dear Job People,
I am one of the five greatest cover letter writers of my generation as evidenced by a tweet I made that said, “I am one of the five greatest cover letter writers of my generation.” Also, I am working on a book called, “How to get a job when you are incapable of talking like a normal person even though you are organized and your grandfathers gave you a strong work ethic.” There has...
The Eggshell Parade: "bear morning" by Mark Baumer →
eggshellparaderadio:
Mark Baumer
bear morning
We wanted a polar bear, but all our polar bears were somewhere far away. We were no longer sure if our polar bears loved us. Love from a distance made our bellies grow. One of the small children in the neighborhood said he was a polar bear, but he didn’t have any…
I have an interview here about a story called “I am the mcdonalds of american writing.” The story was printed as a two-inch minibook. I have two extra copies. Email me and I will send you one sometime in the next three years.
Dear Job People,
I would like you to feed me a job because I am hungry for a sense of being productive. Sometimes I get carried away and eat all my roommates food because he does not like eating his own food. I am not exactly sure what your company does. I like all the twinkles on your website. I have looked at every twinkle. I would like to add to your twinkles. For the last twenty-eight years I...
Dear Yachting Magazine,
I wrote a book called “Yachts.” It is a coming-of-age treatise on the glut of wealth that underprivileged children in America set out to find between the ages of six and whatever age they reach at the time of their father’s death. I think my research for this book makes me more than qualified to be your Editor-in-Chief. The book is still looking for a publisher. In the...
As a citizen of the United States I do not feel threatened by Iran or by nuclear weapons in general. I think the United States Corporation of War should leave Iran and their nuclear weapons alone. It seems okay that Iran is developing nuclear weapons. Do not believe your television’s mouth when its spit bubbles call Iran a major threat to American national security. I feel like Kanye and Ron...
“I do not remember where or when I learned that our grocery stores have only a...”
– My aunt, Victor, the gardener
Today, I officially became a first class internet failure. The kickstarter I started didn’t even reach four percent of its goal. I am going to start another kickstarter soon and ask for 9.5 million dollars to print four million copies of my first book.
My brain is starting to hurt at the idea that in less than thirty-eight hours I will not possess $50,000. I was really excited to write forty-nine books on some old crusty napkins and then use the rest of the money to buy a limousine.
I met my new roommates on craigslist. One of them smokes thirty-five cigarettes a day. Another is blind and never leaves his room. The third takes a bath every night and gave me fifteen plastic hangers. I live in a ten-foot square cube. Last night, I asked them for $50,000 and they gave me a piece of wood they acquired through the “free” section on craigslist.
edit: One of my...
Last week, I was homeless for five days. I slept on a couch at a multicultural center, on the floor of a college classroom, in an abandoned studio, on the floor of banquet hall, and on a chair inside a large office building that was open twenty-four hours. If I had $50,000 I would continue being homeless and just write books.
My life has become sort of hopeless. I work in a medical facility making brain inhalers. Monday through Saturday I wake up at 5:30am and work until 5:30pm. Today, I pulled a lever over three-thousand times. I made six inhalers. My boss’s boss has a mustache. All my coworkers eat cold chicken nuggets for breakfast. I have given up on the american dream. Someone told me recently that long...
I am not as good at social media as I thought I was. I am also really bad at job interviews. The only thing I am going at in the entire world is writing fifty books in a year.
I have less than thirty-eight hours to raise ~$50,000. I think everyone in the world who doesn’t know me should give me $5.
I have six days to raise an impossible amount of...
I need $48,005. Everyone on tumblr should probably reblog this. If you have five dollars in your bank account then you should reblog this. I only need 9601 people to give me five dollars. Does anyone know 9601 people? If you have over 9601 followers or friends on facebook then you should reblog this. If you are a mother of a misunderstood teenager and you have one follower and you’re only on...