June 2011
7 posts
a summary of the last 100 days in my life
I was in a bed and then Mark began poking me with my own fingers. I pulled out one of my teeth in exchange for an ice cream sandwich. A small child cleaning the trashcans with a spray bottle told me that I can’t function. I was so focused on my inability to do nothing. I asked if the turnip was tired of living its entire life in the abandoned warehouse. I woke up in a pond. I am not sure how I...
Today, I went to Whole Foods and a thousand children were rubbing almond butter in their hair. I told the children to stop, but they told me to tug my poppy so I wrote a complaint to the manager at Whole Foods, but all he did was mail me a small goldfish a few days before Christmas. I began to question my desire to speak to anyone in a position of management, but then the president of a...
how to watch a wnba game or why the professional...
preface or the complete history of everyone who has ever lived in detroit
Once, about two hundred years ago, someone named Mildred or Dorothy got tired of her man in Detroit, Michigan and dragged herself south across the prairies and dunes to a place called Tulsa, Oklahoma. The history of Mildred or Dorothy leaving her man in Detroit was never recorded. No one cared. I made it up. After she left,...
Here are some more unemployed moans...
I do not believe in work experience or resumes or anything else people like to use that says, “Hire me, I am good.” To be honest, I am a bad man. I have never won any awards. If I cared about awards I would probably name all my children, “Oscar.” People who care about awards should only be allowed to name their children “The Nobel Prize in the reproduction of myself.” When I was little I used to...
