January 2010
13 posts
4 tags
I'm Probably Going to Win the National Book Award...
Reasons:
1. I’m really good. No one can beat me. Last weekend I played football. I caught the winning touchdown. I also had a pretty sweet interception. The quarterback on the other team had never lost a football game. He was pissed when I beat him. His name is Paul. Fuck you Paul. There was nothing he could do. He wasn’t on my team. My body of work on that field could...
2 tags
WatchI’m back in Providence. Saw a little fatty in the backyard yesterday. Shout out to AJ and the LOC Board for the music on this video. Also, I understand this isn’t a masterpiece or anything. I had some footage of a squirrel and I put some music to it. Highly unoriginal. Still entertaining.
3 tags
I wrote to Chipotle and asked for 900 free meal...
A week ago I wrote to Chipotle and said:
“Dear Chipotle, Please give me 900 free meal vouchers. I would like to eat at all 900 of your restaurants this summer. If I eat at ten chipotle restaurants a day for the months of June, July, and August I will have eaten at all your restaurants. Wikipedia says there are 900 Chipotle restaurants in the United States. I don’t have anything else...
5 tags
The movie ‘Smart People’ should have been called...
If I was directing a movie starring Dennis Quaid the movie would open with him eating a burger alone in bed. It would be silent. There would be no noise. Not even the sound of him eating. There would be no opening credits. I would tell him to eat the burger as normal as possible. He would eat the entire thing. I would tell him to run to his old high school football stadium. He...
5 tags
John Carpenter's Starman
Jenny Hayden (Karen Allen) got all scratchy voice yesterday because her husband (Jeff Bridges) died and then came back to life as an alien (Jeff Bridges) who took the form of her dead husband (Jeff Bridges) and of course he was all naked, but they didn’t show any of it because the general public has a fear of alien genitalia. Then they had to drive to Arizona. I think they were going to...
3 tags
The Summer My Grandmother Was Old by Tove Jansson
If your grandmother is dying and you live on an island off Sweden or Finland or if you own a cat that kills dead birds and leaves them on the porch or if you like reading books published by NYRB or if you’re my mother then I think you might like The Summer Book by Tove Jansson.
2 tags
Captain Maximus by Barry Hannah
Captain Maximus was Barry Hannah’s baby when Barry Hannah was busy trying to make some money to patch up the holes he shot in the floor of his truck to let rainwater drain out. People kept talking about him around town. They said, “Barry Hannah’s that guy that pulled a gun on a student and made them swallow it.”
Anyway here are some good pieces from Captain Maximus:
...
6 tags
Whale bones, condoms, and haikus by Lydia Davis
Some thoughts on Varieties of Disturbance by Lydia Davis:
1. Dave Eggers loves her shit.
2. I think some of the short stories are haikus.
3. I don’t think I like short stories anymore. I was reading a book of Barry Hannah short stories last night and I thought, “Some good shit, but I want more.”
4. I have a feeling Lydia Davis would kill me in a debate or even a simple...
5 tags
Is poetry real? by Guy De Maupassant
I picked up Guy De Maupassant’s Afloat because it was published by New York Review of Books. I kind of have a thing for them. It is my goal to one day read their entire catalog. Every one of their books kills me in their own little way. For example, this quote, by Maupassant from Afloat:
“As soon as you’ve read four of the cleverest, four of the most ingenious poets,...
3 tags
Red Sky at Morning by Richard Bradford
Yes, this book does look shitty, but I promise you Red Sky at Morning by Richard Bradford delivers. I strongly urge you to drink this book. You will laugh. It might be the greatest American book I’ve ever read. Is that even a category? It’s better than Tom Sawyer. Everything about it except the cover and the title are great. I found this book at my parents’ house and...
4 tags
I wrote a letter to Chick-fil-A and some guy named...
First, the letter I wrote to them:
Dear Chick-fil-A,
Please give me 1,600 free meal vouchers. Chick-fil-A is probably my favorite restaurant, I think. I have never eaten at Chick-fil-A, but my friend Gil said Chick-fil-A is his favorite restaurant and I like most things that Gil likes. I did eat at this bar once, called, ‘Chickpea.’ It wasn’t great. They went out of business.
Anyway, if you...
4 tags
Look at this dummy reading books with birds on the...
On more than one occasion I’ve spoken out against books with birds on the cover, but recently I found a ‘guide to the most famous American Birds’ and I kind of fell in love with the idea of putting birds on the cover of books if it is done right. I think the above book is a situation where birds on the cover was handled properly. Situations where it might not be done...
5 tags
Pavement Babies by Cormac McCarthy
The Road is the best book I’ve read this year. Maybe even the best book I read in 2009. I read the first 80 pages a few days ago and read the rest of it today. There really is no reason not to read this. It’ll take about eight hours. I’m a slow reader and I almost read it all in one day. Here are 118 reasons why you should read The Road:
1. Oprah (check out the...