September 2009
23 posts
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I saw one of Junot Diaz's sex clones outside of...
Junot Diaz emailed me back yesterday. He said, “I’m in DC. You saw the wrong me.” I had originally emailed him after I thought I saw him and his girlfriend in the science library at Brown. The two of them seemed to be looking for a place to have sex. I was not expecting Junot Diaz to email me back. I also was not expecting him to casually admit that more than one Junot Diaz exists. In...
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Four Brown MFA Poets Were in My Bathroom Last...
I went to a poetry reading last night. I’m pretty sure none of the poets who read have genetic defects. I sat in the front row. The poets who read were twenty-nine to thirty-seven inches away from me. Before the reading started I thought maybe I would touch the poets’ legs as they read. I didn’t. I guess I forgot. It would have made the reading slightly more interesting if I had...
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I think I saw John Updike Outside of Tim Hortons
I potentially saw a famous writer outside of Tim Horton’s yesterday. I think it might have been John Updike. Maybe not. He was playing a guitar. He did not appreciate me taking his picture. He looked at me and said, “I’m John Updike. Pay me.” I wanted to go up to him and ask what he was doing in Providence, but I didn’t. He seemed pissed. He had this look about him that said, “Fuck the...
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The 'art of poetics' at Brown University
In class yesterday everyone talked about the art of the poem. I don’t know anything about poems. I didn’t know what to say. One time I raised my hand, but put it down when I realized what I had to say wasn’t relevant to the discussion. By the end of class I feel I had a better understanding of the art of poetics. I learned there are five steps to writing a poem. If you follow these steps...
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The Brown MFA Spanish Program
I’ve decided not to take any literature courses. I don’t think anyone cares. I don’t think there are any requirements for this MFA program. I am in Basic Spanish. Nothing really matters. All the students are 12. They don’t even know what an MFA is. At the beginning of the semester there were forty people trying to get in the class. The professor said, “It makes no sense...
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Reading a Book Called 'Maximum Gaga'
I met someone named Minky yesterday. She is fucked up. The library called me and said, “Minky is here.” I said I didn’t know anyone named Minky. The library said, “Minky told us to tell you that that she’s waiting to be fucked by a bovine machine.” I told the library I did not know what a bovine machine was. They said, “We heard you own a bovine machine and that you ordered Minky using our...
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Writing a Novel Called, 'Sinks on Planes'
One of the MFA professors had a talk with me. He said, “I’m concerned. The transcripts tell me you are struggling with prepositions.” I told him I didn’t know what a preposition was. He said, “Writing good prepositions is like owning a sink.” I said there are times when I knowingly dump things down the sink I’m not supposed to. He said, “You clearly are falling behind your classmates. Do...
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Writing Novels About 7-11
On Sunday I woke up and fucked around on the internet for an hour or two. Then I walked to 7-11. I bought three 7-11 donuts and a Big Gulp. I ate them all before I got back to my apartment. Shit felt backwards. I sat on my bed for extended periods of time. The television was on. I watched Tommy Boy and laughed. At some point I began screaming at my hands. I told them to write a...
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Brown MFA Fucking With Old Navy
A week ago I ran into an Old Navy store and began pulling jeans off the shelf. Some of the employees started screaming. They were mad because they were closing in five minutes. I screamed too. Then I apologized and left. They tried to stop me. I hid in a coat rack. They didn’t know where I was. When they weren’t looking I ran out of the store. Later, when I got to class a professor...
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Alien Workshop at Brown
MFA programs are weird. Some days you don’t have class. I think I had class on Thursday. I was there. Three people brought in stories about aliens. I read them all and then said, “I like aliens.” No one in the class said anything. I asked, “What did you think of the aliens?” No one said anything. A few seconds passed and finally someone said, “None of the...
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Brown MFA Watches Robert Lopez
I went to a book talk. Brian Evenson was there. I said hello. We chatted for a little bit. He introduced me to his girl. He was like, “This is my girl Joanna Howard.” I thought about asking him for $15,000 so I could invest in Walgreens, but it didn’t feel appropriate. Another poet from the MFA program was there. He said, “Hey, I have the same cell phone as one of the authors reading.” ...
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The Brown MFA Should Give Me More $$$ So I Can Buy...
I found out some valuable MFA knowledge today. It’s very simple. I should take all my MFA stipend money and buy Walgreens stock. Walgreens is better than CVS. At around one o’clock I took the bus to Walgreens and bought a ten-dollar-four-cup coffee. I was very pleased with this purchase. I drank a cup of coffee. It is now one in the morning. I am still awake. Walgreens feels so good to...
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Brown MFA is Killing Birds, Environmental Concerns
Last night, I was worried my brain was going to rot. On the way to a lecture, I accidentally stepped on a bird. I was wearing sandals. I felt a little tickle. The concrete was not made of feathers. I wasn’t the first to step on the bird. I shrugged and thought, “My writing will probably improve if they have to amputate my leg.” I’m pretty sure John Fante had diabetes and after they cut...
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the john edgar wideman presence
The fiction workshop met for the first time a few days ago. I was a little disappointed. In my head I had expected a round classroom with a round table. The classroom was not round and maybe three inches smaller than I expected. The table was a rectangle. Part of me thought, “This rectangle table is a piece of shit.” It felt like some of the second year fiction writers were pointing at me...
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P. Diddy is in the Brown MFA
Last night Amish and I watched the video music awards on MTV. Amish is a poet in the mfa program. He kept calling the lady in the neck brace, “Radio Gaga.”
Amish is from Iowa. He’s the first person I met in the MFA program. We met on the internet. We emailed each other and said things like, “I’m not sure Providence is a real place.” For a while I wasn’t sure if Amish was a real person. ...
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Brian Evenson is never Percival Everett
Brian Evenson invited everyone in the MFA program to his house. He is the head of the Literary Arts Department. He’s written some books. When I was walking to his house I thought it would be funny if when I met him I said, “Are you Percival Everett?” Percival Everett is a black man. I’m pretty sure Brian Evenson isn’t a black man. I could be wrong.
A week ago I bought one of Brian...
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A Venn Diagram: Why I Haven't Written a Novel
One of the people in the MFA program looks like my aunt Sue. She doesn’t really have the same facial features or the same body, but they kind of have the same haircut. A lot of times I forget this person’s name. It would be convenient to call her ‘Aunt Sue’. I’m not sure why I’m having difficulty remembering her name, but the learning curve feels steep.
In one class...
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Brown MFA and a Bowl of Baby Calves
Everyone in the MFA program sat in a circle and closed their eyes and someone said, “This is how I wrote my first novel.” Someone else said, “I think I’m going to recite my third novel from memory. I hope no one minds.” No one objected. We all closed our eyes and began writing novels while someone recited their third novel from memory. No one opened their eyes until they were finished. I...
Brown MFA Eating Concrete Popcorn
Yesterday there was a big meeting with all the first year MFA writers. A man named Gale emailed everyone beforehand and said, “My name is Peter, but you can call me Gale.” I was nervous to meet everyone in the program. There were a lot of rumors floating around. Someone told me one of the other fiction writers spent the summer sitting in a dirt parking lot gently pressing his face on the...
Brown MFA Fine KFC Dining
Someone in the mfa program friended me on facebook. Does anyone remember the part in Funny People where someone says, “Fuck Facebook in the face.” I usually say this to myself when I log into facebook. I feel pretty good about being friended by this person. He has a blog. On his blog he has a link to an episode of The View where Lil Wayne performs. I clicked on the link, but only watched...
My Personal Statement from when I applied to Brown
Dear Mother, I am going to Brown in the fall to study in their MFA fiction program. I thought you would be happy to know this. I haven’t told anyone else yet. I wanted you to be the first to know. Please don’t make too big of a deal out of it. I’m not sure if Brown actually wants me. I decided to go to Brown regardless if they accept me.
If I was you and you were Brown I would say,...
Brown MFA Sunday Television Programming
Yesterday was Sunday. I’ve been in the MFA program for three days. I’ve yet to write a novel. I am a little disappointed with myself. I thought I would have finished one by now. I’m guessing I am behind the other students. In my head I imagine they’re polishing off their first one-hundred and fifty pages. Some of them might already be sending out drafts to agents. I’m thinking of going...
Brown MFA Dart Competition
Last night I played darts. I played darts with a man. I beat this man. It felt good to win. His wife watched him lose. She was nice, but she wasn’t much help. He seemed a little nervous that his wife was watching him lose.
I am now a graduate student in the MFA program at Brown. There was an orientation yesterday. I sent my girlfriend a text message last night that said, “Lots of areas...