January 2012
9 posts
2 tags
It seems people think my mother was unwed when I was born and that I should be thrown down a flight of stairs.
Monkfish Jowls: In 2010 Mark Baumer walked across... →
Anthony Luebbert posted an excerpt from one of the fifty books on his blog. If you want to post an excerpt on your blog you can email me at: thepresidentofmcdonalds@gmail.com or everydayyeah[at]g m a i l [dot]com
monkfishjowls:
In 2010 Mark Baumer walked across the entire United States (from Georgia to California) which he documented on his tumblr, The Baumer. This year he’s writing 50 novels....
These are some facebook messages I sent to real...
I haven’t talked to you in maybe fifteen years. I think the last time I saw you I waved and said, “Hey,” and you said, “Oh hi Mark.” Anyway, I want to share a financial tip with you. I need $50,000.
We played tennis once and then another time we were supposed to play tennis, but I cancelled late which was not appropriate tennis conduct. We never played tennis with...
Last night I went to a fundraiser for organic white table cloths. Tom Hanks was there. I asked him if he wanted to give me $50,000. He laughed and said, “I’m writing fifty books this year too. They’re all going to be titled gilbert.”
I would like some people to give me $50,000
I started a kickstarter. I am now emotionally incapable of feeling good about myself. When you start a kickstarter and ask for large sums of money, a small piece of some of your redeeming qualities begin to wilt and die.
I am asking for $50,000 because I want to write fifty books in one year, but if I raise $50,000 then I will probably take all the money and eat it. I am very interested in the...
December 2011
2 posts
November 2011
5 posts
October 2011
7 posts
Lately, I’ve been doing too many non-human things in an attempt to be more human. I sort of forgot the moon existed and that people have probably been there. I think it’s important to remember the moon. I think it’s important that my goal remains to one day get to the moon.
a shower thought
There is an inherent desire in all humans to be the best at what they do. This creates two results. Either a human is good at whatever they try to be the best at and they begin to think they are better than everyone else or a human is not good at whatever they do and they begin to think everyone is better than them. It seems this desire to be the best is a form of human failure. A healthier option...
September 2011
9 posts
I do not have the internet at my apartment and there are no open wireless networks within range. When I go home at night all I have to look forward to is adding to the compost bucket I keep under the sink. Sometimes I take three showers after work because I don’t know what else to do. Last night, I looked at a wall for a few hours because I convinced myself that everything is the internet and as ...
I sat in whole foods yesterday for a few hours and finished reading Cornbread McMuffin’s Blood Meridian. I ate some potato salad and some tofu. When I finished I went in the bathroom and cut my hair. When I finished I went home and fell asleep at 7:30.
On Friday, the train I was on from Boston to Providence was delayed because someone died.
After the train stopped the passenger sitting next to me said, “I hope we didn’t hit someone.”
I remember feeling the train brake and then the sound of something scraping along the bottom of the train before the train could stop itself. At first I thought we had hit a branch or a large...
3 tags
Yesterday, my brother visited from Antarctica. I had not seen him since he kissed a polar bear two years ago. We went to a sports pub and ate sweet potato fries and talked about facebook. We both expressed our desire not to swell up with the aging crowd of people known as overweight Americans who are going to be thirty soon. A few times a waitress talked to us in a nice voice because she got paid...
I have a new story published at Spork Press. I wrote it when I used to play for the Cincinnati Bengals. I was the third string quarterback behind Boomer Esiason and Rick Flakegin. One time Boomer Esiason invited me and Rick Flakegin over to his house to eat raisins, but when we got there one of Boomer Esiason’s kids slapped a telephone pole and got a splinter so Boomer Esiason wouldn’t...
Last night I spent too much money at a place that can no longer afford to take money from people. I bought over seven thousand pages of words. So far, I have only read nine sentences from all these pages. Still, I feel pretty good about my purchases. When I got home last night I was so excited about my new books that I threw them at myself and laughed.
I wrote a new story for slacktory called “Haters Gonna Hate.” It’s an autobiographical story I wrote three years ago when I was trying to become a screenwriter in Los Angeles. I had some moderate success. I sold two scripts to a dead ant with a goatee in exchange for the crust around the end of a tube of toothpaste. I am very proud of all the scripts I described in this story....
I live in a new house and it is called "Amanda"
I live in a new house. I don’t have internet. My phone has the internet. I am trying to plug my phone into my computer right now, but it probably won’t work so I will just go to bed at nine p.m.
August 2011
8 posts
I started a new band called “Maroon 5000.” I was going to call the band “Oasis 3,” but then I worried that no one remembered who Oasis was so I looked up band names on the billboard charts and I saw a band called “Maroon 5.” I am sort of disappointed I didn’t name the band “Oasis 3.” Maybe I will quit the “Maroon 5000” band and...
I went to the beach yesterday and played volleyball with some boys who kept saying “bro.” I got tired of them saying “bro” so every time I hit the volleyball I said, “Gary Lutz.” Then one guy began yelling “Paraguay.” At that point, I sort of got tired of the beach so I kicked the volleyball in the ocean and ran home.
Every year billions of people fall asleep on public benches because either they are unemployed, don’t have a bed, forgot where their bed is, are afraid of their own bed, traded their bed for a wooden cane, or accidentally pooped in their pillowcase and don’t want to clean it up.
Financial Recap: Yesterday, the monies ate rich and everyone was aroused financially. When I was walking home from work people were throwing their small, portable barbecue grills at each other they were so excited. I told my brain to remain calm.
Stock Tip: Wendy’s (WEN) only costs $4.97 right now (August 11, 2011). That seems low. It would be tough to buy a combo meal at Wendy’s...
I have a new piece up at slacktory called: “The first eight girls Justin Bieber dated before he was famous.”
The editor of slacktory, Nick Douglas, had asked me to “analyze the two-year outlook of tech IPOs in light of the newly volatile stock market.” I wasn’t really sure what that meant so I googled volatile tech IPOs and immediately felt dirty so I took a shower....
A few weeks ago DNKN went public and people bought some of their money donuts even though DNKN has not made a good tasting donut since they strayed from their old fashioned donut recipes. If I had the choice between eating a carrot cake out of someone else’s mouth or eating a chocolate sprinkled donut made of DNKN cheese then I would probably do things I regretted. Most people have dirty...
I added a “stock ticker” to everyday yeah.
July 2011
6 posts
John C. Reilly is an American actor who is famous for driving his red Ferrari into the front of a Taco Bell restaurant at two a.m. on Christmas Eve 1973. According to his birth certificate he was only eight years old. When authorities asked him where he found the red Ferrari he said, “I pooped it after I ate nine billion hot dogs.” Ten years later, it was 1983 and for halloween John C. Reilly...
Three years ago, when twitter was invented, someone emailed me and asked me what I thought about twitter. They were interested in my twitter philosophy. I was not sure what twitter was at that point so I didn’t reply until a few weeks ago. That interview was finally published yesterday. Here is my favorite answer:
We live in an age that is very similar to the burden of a mayonnaise jar...
A new site just started called slacktory. I am one of their contributors. I am not quite sure what my duties are, but I am paid a rookie salary of $414,000 per article. Sometimes I write something and send it to the editor and he pays me in fig newtons. I will probably have a lot of fig newtons soon. Other times I write something and send it to the editor and he pats me on the head. Most of the...
June 2011
7 posts
a summary of the last 100 days in my life
I was in a bed and then Mark began poking me with my own fingers. I pulled out one of my teeth in exchange for an ice cream sandwich. A small child cleaning the trashcans with a spray bottle told me that I can’t function. I was so focused on my inability to do nothing. I asked if the turnip was tired of living its entire life in the abandoned warehouse. I woke up in a pond. I am not sure how I...
Today, I went to Whole Foods and a thousand children were rubbing almond butter in their hair. I told the children to stop, but they told me to tug my poppy so I wrote a complaint to the manager at Whole Foods, but all he did was mail me a small goldfish a few days before Christmas. I began to question my desire to speak to anyone in a position of management, but then the president of a...
how to watch a wnba game or why the professional...
preface or the complete history of everyone who has ever lived in detroit
Once, about two hundred years ago, someone named Mildred or Dorothy got tired of her man in Detroit, Michigan and dragged herself south across the prairies and dunes to a place called Tulsa, Oklahoma. The history of Mildred or Dorothy leaving her man in Detroit was never recorded. No one cared. I made it up. After she left,...