February 2012
12 posts
Dear Job People,
I would like you to feed me a job because I am hungry for a sense of being productive. Sometimes I get carried away and eat all my roommates food because he does not like eating his own food. I am not exactly sure what your company does. I like all the twinkles on your website. I have looked at every twinkle. I would like to add to your twinkles. For the last twenty-eight years I...
Dear Yachting Magazine,
I wrote a book called “Yachts.” It is a coming-of-age treatise on the glut of wealth that underprivileged children in America set out to find between the ages of six and whatever age they reach at the time of their father’s death. I think my research for this book makes me more than qualified to be your Editor-in-Chief. The book is still looking for a publisher. In the...
As a citizen of the United States I do not feel threatened by Iran or by nuclear weapons in general. I think the United States Corporation of War should leave Iran and their nuclear weapons alone. It seems okay that Iran is developing nuclear weapons. Do not believe your television’s mouth when its spit bubbles call Iran a major threat to American national security. I feel like Kanye and Ron...
“I do not remember where or when I learned that our grocery stores have only a...”
– My aunt, Victor, the gardener
Today, I officially became a first class internet failure. The kickstarter I started didn’t even reach four percent of its goal. I am going to start another kickstarter soon and ask for 9.5 million dollars to print four million copies of my first book.
My brain is starting to hurt at the idea that in less than thirty-eight hours I will not possess $50,000. I was really excited to write forty-nine books on some old crusty napkins and then use the rest of the money to buy a limousine.
I met my new roommates on craigslist. One of them smokes thirty-five cigarettes a day. Another is blind and never leaves his room. The third takes a bath every night and gave me fifteen plastic hangers. I live in a ten-foot square cube. Last night, I asked them for $50,000 and they gave me a piece of wood they acquired through the “free” section on craigslist.
edit: One of my...
Last week, I was homeless for five days. I slept on a couch at a multicultural center, on the floor of a college classroom, in an abandoned studio, on the floor of banquet hall, and on a chair inside a large office building that was open twenty-four hours. If I had $50,000 I would continue being homeless and just write books.
My life has become sort of hopeless. I work in a medical facility making brain inhalers. Monday through Saturday I wake up at 5:30am and work until 5:30pm. Today, I pulled a lever over three-thousand times. I made six inhalers. My boss’s boss has a mustache. All my coworkers eat cold chicken nuggets for breakfast. I have given up on the american dream. Someone told me recently that long...
I am not as good at social media as I thought I was. I am also really bad at job interviews. The only thing I am going at in the entire world is writing fifty books in a year.
I have less than thirty-eight hours to raise ~$50,000. I think everyone in the world who doesn’t know me should give me $5.
I have six days to raise an impossible amount of...
I need $48,005. Everyone on tumblr should probably reblog this. If you have five dollars in your bank account then you should reblog this. I only need 9601 people to give me five dollars. Does anyone know 9601 people? If you have over 9601 followers or friends on facebook then you should reblog this. If you are a mother of a misunderstood teenager and you have one follower and you’re only on...
January 2012
9 posts
2 tags
It seems people think my mother was unwed when I was born and that I should be thrown down a flight of stairs.
Monkfish Jowls: In 2010 Mark Baumer walked across... →
Anthony Luebbert posted an excerpt from one of the fifty books on his blog. If you want to post an excerpt on your blog you can email me at: thepresidentofmcdonalds@gmail.com or everydayyeah[at]g m a i l [dot]com
monkfishjowls:
In 2010 Mark Baumer walked across the entire United States (from Georgia to California) which he documented on his tumblr, The Baumer. This year he’s writing 50 novels....
These are some facebook messages I sent to real...
I haven’t talked to you in maybe fifteen years. I think the last time I saw you I waved and said, “Hey,” and you said, “Oh hi Mark.” Anyway, I want to share a financial tip with you. I need $50,000.
We played tennis once and then another time we were supposed to play tennis, but I cancelled late which was not appropriate tennis conduct. We never played tennis with...
Last night I went to a fundraiser for organic white table cloths. Tom Hanks was there. I asked him if he wanted to give me $50,000. He laughed and said, “I’m writing fifty books this year too. They’re all going to be titled gilbert.”
I would like some people to give me $50,000
I started a kickstarter. I am now emotionally incapable of feeling good about myself. When you start a kickstarter and ask for large sums of money, a small piece of some of your redeeming qualities begin to wilt and die.
I am asking for $50,000 because I want to write fifty books in one year, but if I raise $50,000 then I will probably take all the money and eat it. I am very interested in the...
December 2011
2 posts
November 2011
5 posts
October 2011
7 posts
Lately, I’ve been doing too many non-human things in an attempt to be more human. I sort of forgot the moon existed and that people have probably been there. I think it’s important to remember the moon. I think it’s important that my goal remains to one day get to the moon.
a shower thought
There is an inherent desire in all humans to be the best at what they do. This creates two results. Either a human is good at whatever they try to be the best at and they begin to think they are better than everyone else or a human is not good at whatever they do and they begin to think everyone is better than them. It seems this desire to be the best is a form of human failure. A healthier option...
September 2011
9 posts
I do not have the internet at my apartment and there are no open wireless networks within range. When I go home at night all I have to look forward to is adding to the compost bucket I keep under the sink. Sometimes I take three showers after work because I don’t know what else to do. Last night, I looked at a wall for a few hours because I convinced myself that everything is the internet and as ...
I sat in whole foods yesterday for a few hours and finished reading Cornbread McMuffin’s Blood Meridian. I ate some potato salad and some tofu. When I finished I went in the bathroom and cut my hair. When I finished I went home and fell asleep at 7:30.
On Friday, the train I was on from Boston to Providence was delayed because someone died.
After the train stopped the passenger sitting next to me said, “I hope we didn’t hit someone.”
I remember feeling the train brake and then the sound of something scraping along the bottom of the train before the train could stop itself. At first I thought we had hit a branch or a large...
3 tags
Yesterday, my brother visited from Antarctica. I had not seen him since he kissed a polar bear two years ago. We went to a sports pub and ate sweet potato fries and talked about facebook. We both expressed our desire not to swell up with the aging crowd of people known as overweight Americans who are going to be thirty soon. A few times a waitress talked to us in a nice voice because she got paid...
I have a new story published at Spork Press. I wrote it when I used to play for the Cincinnati Bengals. I was the third string quarterback behind Boomer Esiason and Rick Flakegin. One time Boomer Esiason invited me and Rick Flakegin over to his house to eat raisins, but when we got there one of Boomer Esiason’s kids slapped a telephone pole and got a splinter so Boomer Esiason wouldn’t...
Last night I spent too much money at a place that can no longer afford to take money from people. I bought over seven thousand pages of words. So far, I have only read nine sentences from all these pages. Still, I feel pretty good about my purchases. When I got home last night I was so excited about my new books that I threw them at myself and laughed.
I wrote a new story for slacktory called “Haters Gonna Hate.” It’s an autobiographical story I wrote three years ago when I was trying to become a screenwriter in Los Angeles. I had some moderate success. I sold two scripts to a dead ant with a goatee in exchange for the crust around the end of a tube of toothpaste. I am very proud of all the scripts I described in this story....
I live in a new house and it is called "Amanda"
I live in a new house. I don’t have internet. My phone has the internet. I am trying to plug my phone into my computer right now, but it probably won’t work so I will just go to bed at nine p.m.
August 2011
8 posts
I started a new band called “Maroon 5000.” I was going to call the band “Oasis 3,” but then I worried that no one remembered who Oasis was so I looked up band names on the billboard charts and I saw a band called “Maroon 5.” I am sort of disappointed I didn’t name the band “Oasis 3.” Maybe I will quit the “Maroon 5000” band and...
I went to the beach yesterday and played volleyball with some boys who kept saying “bro.” I got tired of them saying “bro” so every time I hit the volleyball I said, “Gary Lutz.” Then one guy began yelling “Paraguay.” At that point, I sort of got tired of the beach so I kicked the volleyball in the ocean and ran home.
Every year billions of people fall asleep on public benches because either they are unemployed, don’t have a bed, forgot where their bed is, are afraid of their own bed, traded their bed for a wooden cane, or accidentally pooped in their pillowcase and don’t want to clean it up.
Financial Recap: Yesterday, the monies ate rich and everyone was aroused financially. When I was walking home from work people were throwing their small, portable barbecue grills at each other they were so excited. I told my brain to remain calm.
Stock Tip: Wendy’s (WEN) only costs $4.97 right now (August 11, 2011). That seems low. It would be tough to buy a combo meal at Wendy’s...
I have a new piece up at slacktory called: “The first eight girls Justin Bieber dated before he was famous.”
The editor of slacktory, Nick Douglas, had asked me to “analyze the two-year outlook of tech IPOs in light of the newly volatile stock market.” I wasn’t really sure what that meant so I googled volatile tech IPOs and immediately felt dirty so I took a shower....