1. Catshirts has normal functioning syndromes. The world is his caretaker. No one has to wipe his ass. Catshirts wipes his own ass. We all have a little bit of mild retardation. The clownface on Catshirts’ clownface is a clownface. His god is a squirrel. We weren’t supposed to feed Catshirts pork. We fed him pepperoni pizza. His head didn’t fall off. I think I am going to convert to jesus squirrels because Catshirts likes to tell new people that he has autism even though all his syndromes are normal. It is not Catshirts’ job to tell people how their lives are supposed to grow up. Catshirts does not believe in the future. He thinks, “When has the future ever actually existed in real life?” Catshirts didn’t even graduate high school. He failed algebra and dropped out of school. One of his earlobes had ADD. After the high school burned down Catshirts became interested in small wooden blocks. People made fun of him for a little bit because they thought Catshirts was too old to touch small wooden blocks. Catshirts couldn’t figure out how the small wooden blocks fit together so he had to buy glue. The guy that owned all the glue melted a bunch the small wooden blocks together. Catshirts was jealous of the large pile of melted small wooden blocks. Someone with a lot of money told Catshirts to change his name to “dick jones” so that potential investors would be more interested in investing in the product of Catshirts. If you have any potential investors please call me. People with partial thoughts should pay Catshirts to complete their thoughts. I once took off my shirt because I thought I had more shirts, but only Catshirts has multiple shirts. Catshirts will be happy when he learns the meaning of Catshirts. Dick jones bought Catshirts a dog. Someone with a lot of money decided to give Catshirts a parade because Catshirts had never owned a dog before. Dick Jones stole the dog and offered a reward of a million dollars to whoever found it. Dick Jones found the dog and paid himself. CORPORATE INVESTING MODELS. LOLCATS! No one told Catshirts that Dick Jones had paid himself. Catshirts put up lost puppy signs in his neighborhood. The lost puppy signs were printed on dollar bills. Call FIVEZEROONEINFODOG if you have email information for Catshirts. When Catshirts ran out of dollar bills he drew tiny pictures of his puppy on sugar packets. People began to pay potential investors large sums of money to eat puppy sugar. An eleven-year-old filmmaker named Stinky used his dad’s video recorder to make a movie about Catshirts called “where’s my baby…maybe it’s in your dog…oh no i lost the puppy.”

    Catshirts has normal functioning syndromes. The world is his caretaker. No one has to wipe his ass. Catshirts wipes his own ass.

    We all have a little bit of mild retardation.

    The clownface on Catshirts’ clownface is a clownface.

    His god is a squirrel.

    We weren’t supposed to feed Catshirts pork. We fed him pepperoni pizza. His head didn’t fall off.

    I think I am going to convert to jesus squirrels because Catshirts likes to tell new people that he has autism even though all his syndromes are normal.

    It is not Catshirts’ job to tell people how their lives are supposed to grow up. Catshirts does not believe in the future. He thinks, “When has the future ever actually existed in real life?”

    Catshirts didn’t even graduate high school. He failed algebra and dropped out of school. One of his earlobes had ADD.

    After the high school burned down Catshirts became interested in small wooden blocks. People made fun of him for a little bit because they thought Catshirts was too old to touch small wooden blocks.

    Catshirts couldn’t figure out how the small wooden blocks fit together so he had to buy glue. The guy that owned all the glue melted a bunch the small wooden blocks together. Catshirts was jealous of the large pile of melted small wooden blocks.

    Someone with a lot of money told Catshirts to change his name to “dick jones” so that potential investors would be more interested in investing in the product of Catshirts. If you have any potential investors please call me.

    People with partial thoughts should pay Catshirts to complete their thoughts.

    I once took off my shirt because I thought I had more shirts, but only Catshirts has multiple shirts.

    Catshirts will be happy when he learns the meaning of Catshirts.

    Dick jones bought Catshirts a dog. Someone with a lot of money decided to give Catshirts a parade because Catshirts had never owned a dog before. Dick Jones stole the dog and offered a reward of a million dollars to whoever found it. Dick Jones found the dog and paid himself. CORPORATE INVESTING MODELS. LOLCATS!

    No one told Catshirts that Dick Jones had paid himself. Catshirts put up lost puppy signs in his neighborhood. The lost puppy signs were printed on dollar bills. Call FIVEZEROONEINFODOG if you have email information for Catshirts. When Catshirts ran out of dollar bills he drew tiny pictures of his puppy on sugar packets. People began to pay potential investors large sums of money to eat puppy sugar.

    An eleven-year-old filmmaker named Stinky used his dad’s video recorder to make a movie about Catshirts called “where’s my baby…maybe it’s in your dog…oh no i lost the puppy.”

  2. Some notes on how to invent ten-thousand new ideas in one hour

    I was in college once. It felt normal. Someone gave me eleven jelly beans. I fed them to a deer. I was awarded three merit badges for my dedication to the community. Something else was introduced in my life. An emotion was felt. Various point systems ranked the overall usefulness of the objects I was holding. A situation was presented to an object partially-removed from the situation and the object touched something that he/she had never quite touched before. In my early years I was not allowed to have thoughts. My parents were replaced by a soft noise. The government rewarded me with a piece of cabbage dressed up like a father. For dinner, I was supposed to eat the same piece of bread every night. One year the piece of bread was purple. All the other years it was blue. People with a lot of critical thoughts became interested in my life. Before something else happened I thought for a brief second that I was going to be awarded a hundred million dollars. I bought a van. I can’t remember if the van had three wheels or five. No one knew what I wanted in life, but they all seemed to know what I didn’t want. There was an all-male school on the top of the hill. I parked the van next to an empty swimming pool. Something in a nearby tree yelled at me and told me to, “Go eat dip.”

  3. After 10+ years of posting on the internet I was unsure if I would ever make anything good, but tonight, May 21, 2013, I finally made a good thing. Never give up on your dreams. I love all earth related things that use the internet.

  4. Leave the crazy at home even if you’re already at home

    I wrote a bunch of things this week that probably make people think I’m crazy, but it’s okay because I believe in the idea of “Leaving ‘the crazy’ at home”* and all these stories were written while I was at home so it was okay to be crazy. Also, I’ve started drinking coffee again a few weeks ago. Just in case you didn’t know, this is what spider webs look like on caffeine. 

    Here’s a few words on some of the things I wrote:

    America is a barrel of automobiles… This story was actually created from taking that book “Democracy in America” and reorganizing it and then injecting the text with some emotions I would have made if I was a fourteen-year-old pimple and I just learned everything bad that has ever happened on earth.

    Three days ago I posted a bunch of things from a novel called ”Angus Burgers” that I tried to write four years ago. I found this document on an old hard drive. I took out the best pieces of this novel and threw out the rest. If you would like to read an “Angus Burgers” novel then please write it yourself and then you can read it whenever you want.

    A good way to talk to an adult person is a story about when I used to spend every weekend at a dance club and try to talk to people, but mostly I wasn’t very good at talking to people so I would just sit in the corner and eat dried pineapple which I think is the official fruit of Minnesota.

    The time I thought I was “Jesus”  is a story about the time I thought I was the song of god. Whoops. I wrote “song of god.” I meant “son of god.” 

    This is an excerpt from a novel by James Franco called “Emma Watson” is from a novel I wanted to write three years ago about James Franco and Emma Watson. I was in grad school at the time and both James Franco and Emma Watson were always hanging out on campus near my department so I thought I would write a novel about them and get rich and then get richer when someone made a movie about the book starring Ryan Gosling as James Franco and James Franco as Emma Watson. 

    This line is from a ninety-page poem I wrote a few weeks ago, but none of the other lines are any good so I threw out everything except the good parts.

    I’m not really sure about this one. I guess it came from a statistic I read in Harper’s that said something like “66 americans were killed by guns last year and only 33 americans have been killed by muslim americans since september 11th.” I thought of the line about Doug being afraid because he only works with white people while standing in line at the post office and realizing that everyone working at the post office was white.

    *from an article called “advice to a young man trying to go somewhere.”

  5. White people in blackface wearing kkk hoods under their hijabs while riding motorcycles

    After work, a white man named “Doug” liked to read magazines while eating pizza. Sometimes Doug read a magazine that talked about how all the dead white people in America got killed by other white people who would eventually get killed by even more white people. Doug was scared. He only worked with white people. Doug decided to wear a motorcycle helmet to work because he thought it would make him safe.

  6. I do not look forward to the lonely years when I am the only one of me that exists on earth even though, technically, at this moment, I am the only one of me that exists on earth.

    I do not look forward to the lonely years when I am the only one of me that exists on earth even though, technically, at this moment, I am the only one of me that exists on earth.

  7. This is an excerpt from a novel by James Franco called “Emma Watson”

    I am a feeling of triumph in the human spirit of life.

    The only way to be beautiful is to be me when I look in the mirror and pretend to be everyone in the world at once. When I am everyone in the world at once I understand what it feels like to feel the best that I’ve ever felt.

    If you hear thirty thousand angels meowing from deep inside a mouth that is filling itself with ice cream then you know what my ears are feeling when I listen to my favorite electronic tingle.

    I recently met this girl and she looked like she might have been the girl from those movies, which, in fact, she turned out to be. And I said: “oh boy.” My face went yellow with smells of gold melted twinkles and all the satellites where forgotten movie scenes go to retire turned into a chemical reaction that leaked from my other brain.

    I can’t see the future, but I know it’s a place about seventy miles west of the best thing I’ve never touched.

    When I’m happy I sometimes start smiling so much that I can’t speak and I just let my chest talk to itself while I listen and admire how pure and smooth it can hum.

    A letter arrived the other day. I was unsure what to do with it so I put it in my mouth. It tasted like this:

    “Dear friend, I just wanted to let you know I’ve been trying to think about your human spirit, but it’s been so long since I made a thought and I don’t know what to think so I’ve mostly been looking at old memories like the one where I asked you what you wanted to do and you didn’t know so we sat on your bed and then you remembered it was your birthday so we got off the bed and we were going to leave your apartment but the oven was on so we looked in the oven and inside there was a birthday cake that neither of us had put in the oven.”

  8. When I was little I sometimes thought I wanted to get crucified and come back from the dead when I grew up, but after I got turned into an adult I stopped believing in crucifixion, and I mostly tried to rise from the dead without ever dying.

    When I was little I sometimes thought I wanted to get crucified and come back from the dead when I grew up, but after I got turned into an adult I stopped believing in crucifixion, and I mostly tried to rise from the dead without ever dying.

  9. A good way to talk to an adult person

    Hey adult person. I know you don’t like when people call you “baby,” so I won’t call you “baby” because you’re not three years old anymore, but maybe someday we could go to the playground and eat some wood chips. Yesterday, when I walked by the playground, it looked like a man was spreading fresh wood chips. I like the smell of fresh wood chips after they’ve been fully digested and are floating in a bucket of water that I might try to sell to the dirt people across the street from where I live, but I’m not sure if the dirt people would want to buy my bucket of digested wood chips. Anyway, my eyes are really jealous right now because my mouth is making noises that get to crawl in your ears and touch your brain. It’s neat how humans can touch each other without sticking their fingers in the no-no zones like those worms made entirely of fingers that can’t do anything except touch each other’s no-no zones. Whoever invented noises probably didn’t imagine that my mouth would someday make noises that would crawl in your brain and dance around and make your brain think, “Where did all these noises come from and why don’t I feel safe right now?” So, I don’t usually do things like make noises near adult people, but I thought maybe you would like to come over later and see my bread. I have an entire fish tank full of bread. I hope you like bread. Don’t worry. The fish tank doesn’t have any water in it. There’s only bread. Oh no, my eyes are suddenly worried that my mouth made a stupid noise. Please don’t run away to the town where my mouth noise isn’t allowed to dance or my eyes will get really wet and I’ll be afraid to rub them because if I rub them I’ll smear the memory of what you looked like and instead I’ll just have to live the rest of my life with two wet soggy eyeballs that I’ll probably sell to the dirt people so they can feed them to their worm fingers.

  10. A letter I once wrote to Junot Diaz

    Dear Junot Diaz, How’s it going? I think I saw you yesterday. You and your girlfriend were touching each other’s genitals at a fast food restaurant across from my house. I’m pretty sure the two of you were getting ready to “eph” each other. Anyway, I was wondering if you would write a blurb for my new book. It’s called, “This is one of the ten-thousand worst stories ever written.” Here’s the first couple of sentences, “Junky Disco was only three feet tall. He liked to have sex with his girlfriend at fast food restaurants. She didn’t have any hair because she was only a potato. Junky Disco sometimes put his potato in a mouth until the potato got soft.”

  11. A letter I once wrote to a fast food restaurant

    Dear mister fast food restaurant, I am live alone by myself most of the time because I don’t want anyone to look at me when I put things in my hole, but sometimes it gets lonely and I wish I had a friend whose face was made from a pile of uncooked meat.

  12. A novel called “Angus Burgers”

    This morning I woke up and decided to write a book called “Once upon a time the president and me were eating at a fast food restaurant that made us sick so he ate a handful of free prescription medicines and I put a bag over my head so no one would know I was sick which reminded me of this other time when I tried to write a book called ‘OMG I LIVE NEAR A DONUT AND NOW I’M FAT,’ but instead of writing this book I began writing a different book called, “THE DONUT STORE SELLS HOT DOGS AND WE’RE ALL AFRAID TO TOUCH THEM.”

  13. A truck drove by…

    There was a dog in the back of the truck. A squirrel ran out in front of the truck. The squirrel did not know how to speak english. The truck said, “Hey Squirrel, what are you doing?” The squirrel wasn’t sure what to do. It had a lot of babies at home. The babies were all pink. Most of the squirrel babies were running around naked. Because the squirrel couldn’t speak english it only said, “$$$$$$$.” The dog in the back of the truck laughed.

  14. Food is the most beautiful thing that we have ever loved with the inside of our bodies…

    When you order a hamburger, a plastic fork, a medium soft beverage, and a pile of chocolate cream at a fast food restaurant you will get a hamburger, a plastic fork, a medium soft beverage, and a pile of chocolate cream.

  15. A store called “money burgers”

    A man walked into a fast food restaurant and asked if he could open a bank account. The person behind the counter shrugged. The man handed over all his money. He was given a chicken nugget.